NORTHAMPTON, Mass. (Mass Appeal) - The reality is almost everybody people pleases, however, some people allow the need to please to affect every aspect of their life.
Jill Rubin , a Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach, shared some tips on how to recognize and unlearn these people pleasing habits .
A people-pleaser is: Someone who has developed certain thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are wrapped up in trying to secure love, attention, and approval of other people. They're looking for a sense of safety; they fear other's anger, disapproval, and rejection. Essentially, they're assigning responsibility for their self-worth to another's care - which is really a form of selfabandonment.
You know you are a people-pleaser if (A people-pleaser usually has some or all of these traits):
- Puts others first usually at the expense of themselves
- Avoids conflict at all costs
- Has to be nice
- Gives and gives (until feels drained)
- Difficulty saying no and feel guilty when do
The downsides of being a people-pleaser:
- Feel resentful
- Lose sense of self and authenticity - abandon self
- Feel unsafe/insecure
When it's time to respond:
- Build in a Delay - Purpose: give yourself time to check in with yourself
- "I might have a conflict with that, let me check my schedule and get back to you later today. [Let me think that over and get back to you]"
- Broken Record Technique (If you are met with resistance) - Purpose: to keep you from backsliding into people pleasing behavior.
- "I really need to know if I can count you in."
- "I really hear that you'd like to know right now, but I need to check my schedule and get back to you later today."
Delivering your response:
If You Decide "No":
- Use the Sandwich Technique (+), (-), (+)
- "Hi, I'm just getting back to you. Unfortunately, I realized it's not going to work out for me to help you, but I hope everything goes great with [the event]. Good luck."
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU BEGIN WORKING ON CHANGING PEOPLE-PLEASING BEHAVIORS:
It's important to know that when you start to change your patterns around people-pleasing, you can be met with very uncomfortable feelings that normally you may have avoided. Because you are countering long-held beliefs and thought patterns, you may feel intense guilt, anxiety, or even shame.
It takes time to change our beliefs and habitual thoughts about how we are supposed to behave. We may feel like we are doing something wrong or we are a bad person. If you find that using these tips are difficult for you, or that you would like to learn more, there are a number of books on the topic, or you may find that you want to seek the help of therapist or relationship coach who can work with you to understand and overcome these patterns.
For more information click here .